kait.

I got a text message early yesterday that my dog died. I stayed in bed crying and trying to read until 2:00, then went out used book shopping, got 7 new books. Went out running to blow off some steam afterwards, and what felt like a semi-epic run ended up only being 5 miles. Meh. I ate the first loquats of the season, and found a fricking cherimoya tree in Berkeley. After my eyes stopped being too blurry to read, I dove into Arnold Ehret's book the Mucusless Diet Healing System. It already surpasses any modern nutrition manual I've ever read. I gave my body today off for stretching and resting. Still crying a little bit. Found a cute carribean vegan restaurant right by my house, and was able to get a raw curry wrap there. Score!

I was a bit of a bitch to my roommates later in the night, oops.

Miles run this week: 19.

And some baked corn tortillas. First time in five months I've eaten anything cooked. I got heartburn and nausea. Big surprise. I can't be eating foods that don't do anything for me. I love myself far too much for that. I only wanted orange grapefruit juice for the rest of the day. Juice, and lots of digestive enzymes tonight. HOLY CRAP my stomach keeps twisting in knots.

Just ran 3 miles. Meh.

Miles run so far this week: 14.5. Hoping to be at 20 by the end of saturday. Just keep upping the mileage goal each week.

Life just keeps patching and stitching itself together. I don't even have to try anymore. Things go from wrong to perfect immediately, or maybe it's just my attitude that makes things seem that way.

<3

I started missing someone again a few days ago. Why now? I thought I'd long let that one go.

Whatev.

I'm starting my period today.

And I have nothing but feelings about everything.

I could go for a long hard run right now...

It chased me off the sidewalk. It looked like it was going to pounce on me or something.

Just had an amazing 7-mile run w/ 15-minute yoga break at the halfway point in a garden.

One of my new years' resolutions is to be able to run(not run/walk) a half marathon by the first half of the year. Sounds doable IF I put in a ton of effort. Two and a half months ago I was wheezing after running only 100 yards. I've had some pretty nasty sports asthma all my life. Then one day in November, a few weeks after I started cutting back on oils and nuts, it was gone. The first day I really ever ran in my life, I was going out just to walk, and I started running, and didn't stop for 3 miles. I felt so high from it.

We move like apes in a concrete jungle. Everything is stone and metal; instinct has become an inconvenience to our culture.
I feel biased to think that returning to a more primal state, surrendering to and aknowledging instinct could be a step forward in personal evolution. As if the technological, cultural, and social directions of modern humans were a step sideward?
I guess in the past year I have sheltered myself from the mainstream American culture, and, for months at a time, forget what that energetic plane feels like to be around.
This weekend I found myself at my sister's cheerleading competition. It was a bit ridiculous how culture-shocked I felt myself acting. Being in a stadium, I was surrounded by shallow, base, territorial collective thought. It was bringing me into vibrational resonance with it, like two bells ringing side-by-side. I want to give them all a hug and tell them that they can wake up whenever they want to. But they don't want to, and it's not my place to screw with their egos, their lives are their journeys.
I can't wait to go back to Berkeley tonight.

I've kind-of gotten into this regimen lately of fasting until around 5 then juicing the rest of the day. I find that I can run faster and longer and I feel like I'm in a state of constant bliss. After trying juice only for 7 days just once, that's all I want anymore. Solid food feels too heavy.

Some bizarre and beautiful things have been going on lately. Last night, I sleepwalked for the first time in my life. I got out of bed, opened my door, walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, and started talking to my roommate about the sound the pots and pans make in the kitchen and how I couldn't tell if it was morning or nighttime. I woke up in the bathroom, walked out and back to the kitchen, and asked her what had happened. She started cracking up laughing. I remember it, but only as if it were a dream.

Had this strange, half-awake dream last night. As I was breathing, I could feel this build up of anticipation, like my body was being filled with air, and I kept thinking to myself "I don't want to change, I don't want to change, uh-oh"-And then I feel this POP like air shooting out from my fingertips eyes and head and these clumps of white dust from the air inside my body. I've been awake for a half hour, and I don't FEEL any different or changed. Maybe it was pseudo-sexual or indicative that my joints are releasing calcified material from the MSM I started taking recently?

Haven't used this blog in months!
I'm privatizing most of my old posts, keeping them for my own reflection and reference, they no longer reflect my state of self.

Long story short: 2007 was spent in emotional paralysis over the events of 2006. In January 2008, I decided to make a transition toward total and complete self-love. I was on my way, then started culinary school that spring, and while working 45 hours a week, going to school 20 hours a week, and keeping on top of homework, spiraled downward back into purging, restricting, weighing, measuring. I also had caved and went from a 95% raw diet to a standard culinary school diet of pie, quiche, and hor d'oeuvres and all things au gratin, which was obviously not supporting my emotions at all. There it is, all out in the open.

I can't say this was a bad experience at all, I experienced some emotions that I could not let my self feel, I grieved over things that had happened all throughout my life. Things I was just ignoring in hopes that they would all magically disappear from my mind as I progressed spiritually, emotionally and in health. I am so wholly grateful to have had this most comprehensive and special emotional/mental/spiritual cleansing experience that cannot come from a change in dietary and breathing habits or an increase in meditation practice! And on top of truly facing my demons, I became a culinary school graduate in the process!

On August 24th, 2008, the day after I graduated culinary school, I decided that day had come, and I haven't looked back since. I live in love. Every day is the best day of my life.

How could I ever have once claimed to hate my body? It's only a product/symbol/map of my response to stimuli that I perceive as external from my SELF. I lied then. I was disgusted with my own poor coping mechanisms. The more I love my self and the body I chose/was given, the more it becomes a product of that love, a projected reverberation of ecstatic joy!

I love me.
I love us.

I am the sole hydrogen bond on this double helix that is my ego's epoch.
Foot up for inward love.
Foot up for outward love.
Climbing.
How far does love go?
I am a deoxyribonucleic spider walking a webbed moebius strip.